Bad poetry? Oh, noetry!

[lafemmedramatique]

Ok, so hopefully none of my poetry is bad.... I'm in a poetry writing class right now, and I have my very first assignment due on Friday. We've done some writing in class, but nothing that we have had to turn in. So, I'm a little scared about it.

As such, I've decided to share some stuff here, and see what you all think. If you like it, cool, if not, that's cool too, because as an artist, most of what you'll get is rejection.

However, if you could, I don't know, give some constructive criticism, that would be great. Thanks!

-----------------------------
Self Depreciation
You barely even notice me around—
Sad, really, since I put you in such high regard.
But, then again, I always was content to stand in the shadows—
You can hear best when nobody knows you’re there.

I saw the way you looked at her, touched her—
Pretty?
Ya, she’s pretty… that easy kind of pretty,
like she just woke up as a ball of light.
Prettier than I’ll ever hope to be.

Bicycle Poem
Warm nights stretch out into warm mornings—
The sun rising lazily, slowly lifting the starry blanket off of its face.
I feel as though I’m gliding thorough the world—
My legs aren’t in it anymore.
I image myself as the bird I wish I were
Free to fly forever, taking in the dawn forever.

my new summer
Winding roads that never end
The sound of birds
in the trees
and bees
and you
and me
and us
together
alone
once upon a time
in my dreams of countryside
always alive
in my mind we could be
so free
free from all this
madness here
and now
and then
and them
just us
just us
us

[countrygrl96]

I like the third one best... But I don't 'know' poetry that well, so Ican't realy criticize.

[lafemmedramatique]

I like the third one best... But I don't 'know' poetry that well, so Ican't realy critisize.

You don't have to "know" poetry... My professor doesn't even claim to "know" poetry.... If you like what you read, and it sounds pretty to you, then that's all you need to know...

Other than that, it's all just words.

Thanks for the comments. The third one is my favorite, too.

[Jelfish]

mmm toothpastefordinner

I really like imagery in literature and poetry, so I thought those were very good.

By the way, when you say "contended" (Self Depreciation) do you mean "content"? I'm not sure what that line means as it is.

[glass__onion]

i loved all of them. awesome job!

i cant imagine being a poetry teacher... how would you grade poems?

[countrygrl96]

You don't have to "know" poetry... My professor doesn't even claim to "know" poetry.... If you like what you read, and it sounds pretty to you, then that's all you need to know...

Other than that, it's all just words.

Thanks for the comments. The third one is my favorite, too.

Ohhhh... Okay. So...Uh... Sorry. Yeah.

[lafemmedramatique]

Ohhhh... Okay. So...Uh... Sorry. Yeah.

Hahaha! Don't be sorry!! I didn't mean to make that sound like I was snapping at you, rather than encouraging you in your own abilities to deduce if you like a poem or not! (silly internets!)

Sorry if that made you feel bad... maybe I should stop assuming that everyone will get my implied meaning and then re-read everything and make sure it can't be taken the wrong way....

Although I'm still of the opinion that we need a special font for sarcasm!

[lafemmedramatique]

i loved all of them. awesome job!

i cant imagine being a poetry teacher... how would you grade poems?

Ya, it's kind of a pass fail assignment.... basically, he assigns so many poems, and some of them have to be certain kinds (in this case, there was an "i remember" poem we had to write... basically two pages of "I remember this" and "I remember that" from our childhoods... it's was fun!)

And then he assigned us four "other" poems of our choosing. Sometimes he'll assign us a sonnet or something like that, and it just has to be in that format.

So, basically, as long as I turn in my I remember poem and four others, I pass. He said himself that he doesn't feel that it's fair to grade based on aesthetics (beauty, for those who haven't learned that word yet), and so he just wants to make sure that we're writing!

[lafemmedramatique]

mmm toothpastefordinner

I really like imagery in literature and poetry, so I thought those were very good.

By the way, when you say "contended" (Self Depreciation) do you mean "content"? I'm not sure what that line means as it is.

haha.... yes, that was meant to be "contented" but I just changed it to content because I kind of like that better :)

I make silly typos on my computer a lot. Thank you for catching it for me :D

[daheadlesshero]

I think the thread title itself is poetry. Because it's awesome.

[lafemmedramatique]

I think the thread title itself is poetry. Because it's awesome.

toothpastefordinner.com

They sell it as a t-shirt... and yes, it's awesome :)

[MamaSasss]

I have to agree that the third one is my favorite.
Great imagery, good pace and easy to relate to.

Man, I miss writing poems.

[lafemmedramatique]

I have to agree that the third one is my favorite.
Great imagery, good pace and easy to relate to.

Man, I miss writing poems.

well, then you should write more often! One exercise that we do in class in order to get up writing more is to take 5 words or emotions (my prof will point to a person and say "give me a word") and then we have about 2 minutes for each word to write one or two short poems. The poem can include the word, but doesn't have to. It just has to be basically whatever that word or emotion makes us think of...

It's really fun, and creative, and pretty quick!

[ladyjanewriter]

Usually my method is to blurt a poem, then go back, edit out any un-needed words. Half the time, you don't even need "a" and "the." I very much believe in the idea of having a chunk of poem like a slab of marble, then editing away at it.

May I use the first poem's stanza, purely as an example? Hope that's OK:

Your version:

Self Depreciation
You barely even notice me around—
Sad, really, since I put you in such high regard.
But, then again, I always was content to stand in the shadows—
You can hear best when nobody knows you’re there.


My version:

Self Depreciation
You never noticed me.
I stand in the shadows --
(You hear best when no one knows you’re there.).

I went for "never noticed" because of the alliteration.

I went for "no one knows" because of the internal rhyme aka asonance.

edited for typo.

[ladyjanewriter]

Oh! Another "quick n' dirty" way to make a Tone Poem is to write a paragraph, then slash out as many pronouns and verbs as possible.

Example:

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs.


Can become something like this:



Quick brown fox
- jump!

Lazy dogs.

[countrygrl96]

Although I'm still of the opinion that we need a special font for sarcasm!

Yes we do!

[lafemmedramatique]

Usually my method is to blurt a poem, then go back, edit out any un-needed words. Half the time, you don't even need "a" and "the." I very much believe in the idea of having a chunk of poem like a slab of marble, then editing away at it.

May I use the first poem's stanza, purely as an example? Hope that's OK:

Your version:

Self Depreciation
You barely even notice me around—
Sad, really, since I put you in such high regard.
But, then again, I always was content to stand in the shadows—
You can hear best when nobody knows you’re there.


My version:

Self Depreciation
You never noticed me.
I stand in the shadows --
(You hear best when no one knows you’re there.).

I went for "never noticed" because of the alliteration.

I went for "no one knows" because of the internal rhyme aka asonance.

edited for typo.


Thank you so much! I really do appreciate this! You def. made my day with these suggestions! My prof. kind of takes the attitude of "there are no rules in poetry", and therefore doesn't give us much specific guidance on how to write... it is only Poetry Writing 1, though, so that's to be expected. I'm sure that, were I a creative writing major instead of an education major, i would come into contact with many classes that would require me to actually analyze what I'm doing.

I'm just not starting to learn to not take everything so literally. I have a hard time writing stuff without having every word mean something in relation to every other word. Man, was Gertrude Stein a mind blower! A lot of people in our class thought she might have been crazy--I think that she was insanely talented, because she could write just to write. She didn't have to have everything mean something, and I wish I could do that more easily!

I really appreciate all the advice you gave! I knew this would be a great place to come for it, because our community is so open and helpful. I will def. take some of your suggestions on cutting out pronouns and such. That's so simple, yet not something I would think of.

Ah.. I should go tweak my poems, now! Friday is coming up fast!

[lafemmedramatique]

Ok, this is directed mostly at LadyJane, but the rest of you can comment also.

I revised "Bicycle Poem" which was def. my least favorite, and close to being cut from the list.

I took your bits of advice, and I like this much more now.

Let me know what you think.

Bicycle Poem
Warm nights fade—
Warm mornings—
The sun rising
Lazy,
Lifting stars from its face.
I feel I’m gliding
Thorough the world—
My legs aren’t in it anymore.
I am the bird I wish I were
Free to fly
Forever
Taking in the dawn.

[countrygrl96]

Ok, this is directed mostly at LadyJane, but the rest of you can comment also.

I revised "Bicycle Poem" which was def. my least favorite, and close to being cut from the list.

I took your bits of advice, and I like this much more now.

Let me know what you think.

Bicycle Poem
Warm nights fade—
Warm mornings—
The sun rising
Lazy,
Lifting stars from its face.
I feel I’m gliding
Thorough the world—
My legs aren’t in it anymore.
I am the bird I wish I were
Free to fly
Forever
Taking in the dawn.

It sounds really good now.

[lafemmedramatique]

It sounds really good now.

Thanks... it's amazing what one little bit of advice can do to push your creativity further!

[countrygrl96]

Thanks... it's amazing what one little bit of advice can do to push your creativity further!
Sure is.

[Jelfish]

Much more succinct and I think it creates a stronger image, it being less complicated.